


Friend, Please

by Vanilla_Ella



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Josh is Sad, Josh is afraid of thunderstorms, Josh-centric, M/M, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-08-20 05:52:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8238271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanilla_Ella/pseuds/Vanilla_Ella
Summary: Josh sometimes forgets how important he is. 
A voice has made a home inside his head and he's too afraid to find help.
Tyler tries to figure out what exactly is going on with his best friend but he can't if Josh won't let him in.
It all spirals downwards.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends! *waves violently*
> 
> This is my first TØP fanfic here, so please be careful with my delicate soul!
> 
> If reading of self-harm, suicide, or anything like that triggers you, please don't read this! Stay alive friends (|-/)

It was first the small things.

The way people cried out Tyler's name (and only his name) while they performed, the way he'd always get special, certain questions directed at him when they had joint interviews.

At first, it didn't bother Josh at all. He knew how beautiful of a voice and how amazing Tyler's stage presence was. He knew he'd rather not be in the spotlight during interviews, because of how nervous or anxious they'd make him.

But then, as time went on, as their band's popularity grew more and more, Josh began realizing other things too.

The way everyone looked at Tyler like he was the sun, how he was such a pure and lovable being in the sea of people. How Tyler was so creative, how he'd pull thoughts out of nowhere and turn them into the most beautiful rhymes, or how he'd spill his mind onto a page and wear his heart on his sleeve, for everyone to see.

It aches to think of how much Tyler is, of how much everyone loves and adores him.

Because Josh does too. He thinks the whole world--no--the fricking Galaxy of his best friend, only because he knows that all of those things are most definitely true and real.

But when Josh looks at himself, it hurts. 

So much.

He can't ever hear how anyone loves him, just him. Of course, he hears people gushing about how amazingly great they (both he and Tyler as a band) are, but he's never heard of how he was anyone's favorite. No ones looked at him like he was the sun, or a special creature.

Maybe because it was how he couldn't pull ideas out of the air and make them into clever metaphors. Or how he didn't have the courage or the amazing voice that Tyler had.

It makes Josh's heart ache a little.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's not the only one with a Blurryface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey frens!
> 
> I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner, but I've been writing a lot of this recently so I've got a lot! 
> 
> I'm thinking about keeping the chapters relatively short-ish (not too short) but I'll update it more frequently throughout the week if that's okay with you guys? :p
> 
> Anyways, please read on!!!

Josh is happy. At first.

They're walking off the stage, skipping hand-in-hand as they normally do. The exhilaration and joy still pumps through the both of them, the deafening cries of the fans still ringing in the stadium.

Josh is sweaty and exhausted, but couldn't be happier as he leans against his best friend.

"That was so awesome!" Josh gasps out as they get into their changing room, still a bit breathless. He's certain he'll never get used to the feeling of post-concert exhilaration. "You were so awesome!"

"No, you were, Jishwa!" Tyler laughs, eyes crinkling as he does so. They begin picking up their towels and clothes, ready for their after-show showers to wash off the sweat and calm their out-of-control, joyful nerves.

Josh feels his heart pump harder when he sees his friend's adorable face, and he can't help but laugh too. "Everyone loved you!"

"No, they loved you!"

That makes Josh freeze just before they walk out the doors.

Tyler had said that a million times in the past after their shows, but now, it's somehow different.

Perhaps with all the thinking Josh had been doing the past few days.

'That's not true.'

He's scared out of his wits when he hears the deep voice whisper in his ear, and he jerks in surprise. 

"Josh?" Tyler's voice filters through suddenly, and he feels his best friend's familiar hand rest on his shoulder. 

"Did you hear that?" Josh whispers, looking at his best friend sharply.

Tyler tilts his head in confusion. "No...."

Josh pauses. 

It was probably nothing, right?

"You okay?" 

The red head swallows and tries to calm the sudden anxious stirring in his soul, and he nods, offering a wary smile.

 

••••••

 

A few days pass after hearing the voice, and Josh decides that it was nothing. He was just tired. Right?

Wrong.

The next time he hears it is when he's eating out.

Tyler, Jenna, and the rest of the crew are there. As usual, the lead singer is the center of attention, cracking his normal, hilarious sarcastic jokes.

Everyone loves it, laughing out loud not caring that they were gaining a few stares from the other people eating out at Taco Bell.

Josh is laughing at a particular funny thing Tyler said, until suddenly he hears it.

'Too bad no one likes you enough to think you're just as funny as Tyler.'

He stops laughing abruptly, tensing suddenly. 

No one notices though. They're all too busy either listening or laughing.

Josh doesn't know if he should be grateful or angry that no one sees how absolutely and utterly terrified he is.

 

••••••

 

Later that night, as Josh lies in bed, he tries to think, tries to understand and identify that voice in his head. It's so strange, so familiar. He's heard it before, he's sure of it.

One part of Josh wishes he'd just let it go. He's torturing himself by thinking of it over and over, re-terrifying himself more and more in the process.

He stays up until 4 AM until he begins to wonder if it's only his mind finally talking to him.

 

••••••

 

Tyler and Josh are the only ones on the tour bus, the rest of the crew going out to eat once again.

Josh sits on the couch alone, fiddling with an Xbox controller as he tries to figure out what he wants to play to distract himself.

Tyler passes by, and he perks up. "Hey, wanna play Super Smash?" 

His best friend frowns apologetically, pausing just by the couch. "Sorry, man. Date night with Jen," he sighs, but it's definitely not a sad sigh.

It's dreamy, perfectly soft and perfectly Tyler.

Tyler grins as he glances at Josh. "I'd bring you but--"

"No, don't even think about it, man," Josh smiles. "Jenna would--"

'Of course he wouldn't want to hang out with you.'

He flinches the smallest bit at the interruption.

Tyler tilts his head. He's been noticing that Josh had been doing that more, flinching and tensing at strange times.

"You okay, Jishwa?" he questions, moving to sit beside his friend on the couch.

Josh clears his throat and stretches his arms, trying to go for casual and laid-back, but the fright in his eyes betrays his real feelings.

"Course," he nods, voice slightly tremulous. "I just--ah--probably tired from all this touring."

Tyler smiles a little, nodding in agreement. "At least tomorrow night is the last show for two months. Then Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks for us."

Josh nods, a bit of sunlight pouring into his soul when he thinks about going home and seeing his family for the first time in a long while. 

"That'll be nice," Josh says.

'Yeah, it would be,' the deep voice whispers again, and it drips with a venom he's never heard before, 'if they wanted to see your stupid face again.'

Josh gulps loudly.

"Dude, you okay?" Tyler bumps his shoulder into Josh's, frowning in concern when his red-headed friend rubs his eyes.

"M'fine," Josh mumbles, afraid that if he'll speak clearly, the tremors in his voice will be heard. 

Tyler's about to ask--no--demand what's wrong, but Jenna hops in, all dazzling smiles and cute, styled clothing.

"Hey, time to go?" she inquires, glancing at her watch as Tyler mirrors her action.

"Oh yeah!" he nods, looking back at Josh. "Sorry man, I gotta go now!"

"It's fine," Josh grins, or at least, tries to. "Have fun."

Jenna waves, grabbing her boyfriend's hand and starting to lead him out of their tour bus. Tyler glances back in concern at Josh, but the red head, knowing what's going through his best friend's head, simply shakes his own head and waves once as if it's made all his problems go away.

It doesn't. He hears the voice again late at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Leaving a comment and/or kudos really helps me out! Next update will hopefully be by Sunday!
> 
> Stay safe, frens <333 
> 
> xxx Vanilla |-/


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey frens!
> 
> I know this story isn't 100% accurate to what really happened IRL, but hey....fiction, am I right?
> 
> Anyways, go forth and read!

It's been the same the past few weeks, with Josh obsessing over how perfect his best friend was. He's been hearing the voice more and more, until it's finally become strangely normal.

It's not normal though. At least...

Josh doesn't think it is.

It used to be simple sentences that came randomly, that burned in the form of un-fallen tears in his eyes, but one day, it's particularly bad.

Touring was over, and both Tyler and Josh (though the latter was reluctant) agreed that some time apart would probably be best for the both of them, so they could see their families, make new friends and such before getting back together for an extensively long while.

Josh had stayed at his parents' house in Ohio for the first two weeks. Though it was fun to see his siblings and his parents again, he couldn't bear to think that his best friend was only a few minutes away, apart from him. It hurt to be so close to Tyler without seeing him. 

At first, he thought it was only withdrawal symptoms, he thought it only ached because he was so used to seeing his best friend almost every minute of every day, from the time he got out of bed to the time he went back in. 

He couldn't find himself as comfortable or as happy as he was when he was with Tyler, even at his own home. 

After tentative goodbyes to his family (who probably wanted him to stay but respected his wishes to fly back to his apartment in L.A.) he left Ohio.

It's on the plane, while he's trying to get some of the sleep he'd been trying to chase down the past few weeks, that the voice begins speaking again.

'Ever wonder why you feel like this?'

Josh flinches and tries to keep his eyes closed and his body still.

He just wants to sleep.

'Like you're inadequate? Like you're..nothing?'

"Stop, please," he whispers, and he's glad that no ones sitting next to him on this flight.

He definitely wouldn't want to be kicked off because people thought he lost his marbles.

'Ever wonder why?'

It's told him before. Josh doesn't need to hear it again.

The truth rings loud and clear, and it hurts.

"Because you're nothing, you stupid waste of space,' it's voice is downright gleeful as it whispers these venomous things into Josh's soul. 'You're nothing, and you know you're nothing.'

Josh tries to swallow the lump in his throat and clenches his eyes tightly.

"Please stop," he pleads.

 

••••••

 

One ring.

Two rings.

Three.

Four--

"Josh, what's going on?"

Tyler's mumbled, sleepy (slightly annoyed) voice flits in through the phone, and Josh trembles, tears spilling over.

"Tyler," he whispers, voice hoarse and barely covering up the fact that he's crying.

"What's wrong?" Tyler immediately sounds alert, fully awake and alarmed. He hears the sheets rustle from the other side as his best friend presumably sits up.

"I-I..." Josh's voice dies. How does he even begin to explain?

The voice had been pestering him all night, louder and meaner than usual. He'd never want to admit it, but the insults ('you're so ugly, no wonder you're alone') never fail to leave him in tears that won't stop coming until his eyes feel like they'll fall out.

He hadn't heard Tyler's voice in so long, he knows by now (with all the distance and the few, half-hearted attempts of contact between the two of them from Tyler's side) that his best friend is trying to get a little detachment from him.

He begins to feel weighed down, immediately berating himself for speed-dialing his friend at 2 AM without a second thought.

"Joshie, talk to me," Tyler pleads, voice growing with volume and desperateness. "Are you okay? Are you in trouble?"

Josh's mouth is just hanging open, everything so overwhelming. He can't speak, his words taken from him.

"Honey, what's going on?" Josh hears Jenna's soft, sleepy voice in the background.

The guilt multiplies ten-fold as he realizes that Tyler had most probably spent a long night with Jenna, and they were both probably tired.

'Look what you've done, you stupid idiot. You've waken up everyone now.'

"I'm-I'm sorry, Ty, it's nothing," he croaks before pulling the phone from his ear quickly to end the call before he's stupid enough to hesitate.

"No, wait--" is soft and quiet, distant as he presses his thumb against the red button on the screen.

The first call that blows up his phone a few seconds later is ignored by Josh, who wraps his arms tightly around himself and rocks himself back and forth in his bed.

'You think Tyler could've helped you?' the voice laughs. 'I don't know what's more pathetic! You believing he cared or you thinking that just talking to him would stop me!'

"I--I'm just trying to sleep," Josh whimpers, shutting his eyes tightly.

Sleep.

When had he last slept?

A few days ago?

'Oh Joshie," the voice murmurs, mocking him.

He always flinches when it calls him that.

When Tyler calls him the next day, he covers the fatigue and tiredness in his voice and tells him that it was nothing, just a nightmare.

His best friend is skeptical, he always is nowadays. But he quietly accepts that it was just a bad dream and moves on.

He always moves on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! I'd really appreciate if you left a review down there! Thanks! <333
> 
> xxx Vanilla |-/


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late! But please enjoy, frens!
> 
> Also I'm pretty sure my timing isn't accurate to how some of the events unfolded in real life, like Tyler/Jenna's engagement, but don't mind it, please!

Josh is numb.

He should be happy, he thinks. He should be jumping with joy and happiness and--

And he doesn't understand.

"Josh? You there, friend?" Tyler's voice is a bit crackly through the phone.

"Yeah," he says quietly, before he mentally slaps himself. "Yeah! I mean, yeah, I'm here!"

He exhales slowly. 

"...is something wrong?"

"What? No!" he lies. "No, of course not!" He tries to make to sound like he's happy. "I'm--I'm just surprised...and excited for you, man! Congrats!"

Tyler lets out a soft sigh of relief on the other end, and Josh winces when he thinks of how stupid he is, how fake he's being. "Thanks, Josh! I'll call you later, okay? Gotta get back with my fiancè!"

Josh smiles sadly. "Of course, sure. Bye."

When he gets off the call, he leans his head against the wall, and just breathes.

He doesn't understand why his chest is so tight. 

Something aches. 

Something is broken. 

He's sobbing into the palm of his hand before he knows it.

Maybe it's the way that Tyler has found someone who would finally love him like he deserved.

Real, true, permanent love.

Something Josh was very short on, and barely had for himself.

The Christmas lights in the city pour into his windows as luminescent, soft, colored glow that reflect the tears sliding down his cheeks.

 

••••••

 

"Are you alright, dear?" 

His mother is worried, it's so obvious. He nods silently, tries to smile for her, after all, it is Christmas.

It's nice to be home, and at the same time, it's not.

He enjoys his family's presence, but something happens around them. It triggers the voice more often than when he's alone, tells him how he isn't worth anything or anyone, or how no one really cares about how he is or how he feels.

"I know you're upset Tyler and his family couldn't come today, but you'll see him soon, right?"

Josh shrugs, continuing to stare out the window and watch the snowflakes fall.

They are silent, cold.

Just like Josh.

 

•••••••

 

"Merry Christmas, dude!" Tyler shouts and Josh jumps a little, pulling the phone from his ear just in time. He looks at his watch and sees its close to midnight.

Figures Tyler would forget to call him almost the entire day.

"Thanks," he laughs a little, before he pauses.

Since when was the last time he laughed? 

It felt like years.

"I'm so sorry I can't see you today," Tyler sighs loudly, and his best friend hears the chattering of the large party in the background.

"No, it's fine," he says quietly. "I'm sure Jenna's family is happy to have you there."

"Yeah...still wish I was with my man though, you know?" Tyler's voice hints a large grin he's wearing.

'As if,' the voice scoffs, and Josh almost echoes it. He finds himself doing that a lot now, stopping himself from repeating the horrible words it whispers. 

"...Joshie?"

"Huh?" he startles a little.

There's a bit of a pause, a strained sigh.

'Great, you've made him mad. Geez, is there anything you can do right?'

Josh shakes his head a little in response and waits for his friend to say something.

"Joshie, are you okay?" Tyler's voice is pure, soft and concerned. 

Josh quietly wonders when the last time someone had asked him that and sounded 100% genuinely concerned (beside his mother, of course).

"I'm okay," he lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this small chapter! I must warn you of the eating disorder/self-harm to come in very near chapters, so if that's triggering, you might want to stop reading! 
> 
> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! If everything goes smoothly, another update should be by tomorrow! Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Stay alive |-/


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good day! I hope life's going alright for you.
> 
> Here again with another chapter. I must warn you of the eating disorder, which comes up in this one. Please don't read if you're triggered easily! 
> 
> With that said, please go ahead and enjoy this chapter! <3

It's mid-January when he stops eating. 

He doesn't know why he can't get seem to get out of bed, but he doesn't. 

He doesn't like the cold tiles against his bare feet, he doesn't like the freezing air around him. Even in L.A., it's gotten quite cold for the area, most of the days being overcast and cloudy, the sun hidden behind the thick, gray fluff in the air.

Josh stays in bed for as long as he can, and sleeps. He tries to block out the voice when he can, quietly humming familiar, lost tunes to himself and drumming his fingertips against his wall.

The pain that comes from being hungry is a welcome distraction; he can't hear the voice as much when he's hurting. 

He only eats when he has to, and in like manner, he only gets out of bed when he really, really has to.

The few times that he catches the reflection of himself in the mirror makes him want to puke.

He's so horribly thin, his bones prominent under his pale skin and the dark markings under his eyes so obvious. 

'Look how disgusting you are. No wonder no one wants you.'

He shatters all of the mirrors in his apartment after that. 

 

•••••••

 

It's dangerous to be alone, Josh understands that.

The silence seems to suffocate him, the emptiness only echoes of what he doesn't have:

Love, companionship.

It sounds stupid, but when it goes missing in your life, you begin to understand the gravity and worth of those feelings.

He can't even feel safe in his own home and that's one of the things that kills him the most. 

Home isn't supposed to be associated with fear, or sadness, or pain. Comfort and love was supposed to be the heart of home, his mother always said. 

And Josh believed her.

At least, that's what Josh used to believe, until the voice so kindly told him that his home was no such thing, and even if it was, he definitely didn't deserve it.

As he sits on his bed, clammy back pressed against the headboard, words tumble and bounce painfully off the corners of his mind, words the voice so often used.

'Ugly.'

'Worthless.'

'Unlovable.'

'Undeserving.'

He chews on his lip and rejects the urge to call someone, anyone.

Thin blood trickles down his chin, and he doesn't realize it until the sharp crimson on his pastel blue sheets catches his eye.

He wants to stop hearing these things so bad, he wants to remember what it's like, to be normal.

But how can he hide from himself?

He nearly tears his hair out and screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks very much for reading! I appreciate kudos and comments very much, so if you have both time and desire to leave one, I thank you very very much!
> 
> I'm hoping to make the chapters longer, or at least make more frequent updates, and since I'm done with another story for a different fandom, I think I'll have more time to make it happen! I already update every Saturday and Sunday morning, so if I choose another day, what day do you want it to be? Suggest it and I'll try to get it done!
> 
> Again, thanks for reading! Stay alive, friends! |-/


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey frens! I've tried, and I think this chapter is longer than the others! 
> 
> I'm trying to get more material out so you guys can read more, but I've been super busy with school, so I'll just try to make the chapters a little longer!
> 
> Anyways, without further ado, go ahead and enjoy, frens!

Josh doesn't fly back to Columbus until the day of the wedding practice, a week before the whole event.

Contrary to what they thought, the band did not get back together after Christmas. Jenna and Tyler wanted to get married as soon as possible, and it was already a lot to plan a wedding in three months, much more to begin writing music and touring again at the same time.

So Josh hadn't seen his best friend since...well, since before November.

He's shaky and nervous (but why? he doesn't know) when he gets to his best friend's house, hands clammy and a little sweaty.

He definitely needs a beer.

And maybe a muting device for the voice that kept telling him how annoyed Tyler would be if he showed up. 

When he knocks on the door, it's soft, quiet, hesitant.

It's all Josh is now. No longer bold or outgoing, just...quiet, nearly non-existent.

Sooner than he had expected, the door swings wide open, and someone (Tyler) literally jumps out and into Josh, enveloping him in a tight hug that makes him take a few steps back from the force of it.

"Jishwa!" Tyler laughs, clutching onto the red-headed man as hard as he could.

"T-Tyler," he stutters, hands hanging useless at his sides for a moment before they hesitatingly engulf his best friend back. 

When he looks back, his heart cracks a little when he thinks of how he didn't think he'd be treated by his best friend as if he was...missed.

"Oh, Josh, I missed you!" Tyler pulls back to look at him, the mega-watt grin on his face and the dazzling lights brightening his brown eyes slowly fading away as he took in Josh's appearance.

And, okay, to be fair, Josh knew he didn't look exactly the best. Maybe he was a little thin and maybe he had dark bags under his eyes, but he couldn't help but feel self-conscious as Tyler's eyes roamed his entire being.

"Dude..." he pauses, pulling back even more until he's arm's-length away. "Are..."

"I'm fine," Josh sighs.

Lies.

His best friend's concern.

His words that tumble out of his mouth too easily.

It's all lies, all untrue, all false.

 

••••••

 

Josh's smile doesn't reach his eyes.

It's one of the first things Tyler notices when he first sees his best friend after ages.

It worries him, just like the way Josh is: pale and thin as book pages, hair faded like dead roses, coffee eyes that once held so much joy and light all but gone.

They are replaced with empty, soul-less pits of no emotion or feeling.

Truth be told, it scares Tyler, and when Josh insists that he's fine, he can't help but not buy the bullcrap.

He's sitting beside Josh on the couch, watching their mothers from the other side of the room talk animatedly and excitedly with Jenna and their sisters, discussing the wedding reception and such.

He notices Josh's knee bouncing up and down quickly; it's a nervous and uncomfortable tick Josh had ever since he met him, and he can't help but think that there's really something wrong. 

When he looks around his childhood home, he can't see anything out of place that would make Josh feel the way he obviously does, he can't see anything that would make him so...long-faced or melancholic.

He sees the drummer's fingers begin tapping his thigh. 

It's what Josh does when he's anxious.

It's enough for Tyler, to watch his friend in such a horrible mental space, he knows how destructive it is. 

Quietly, he takes Josh's hand and stops the tapping, squeezing it warmly.

Those coffee eyes look at him sharply, almost filled with emotions emotion as alien as...hostility? Fear? These are things Tyler isn't used to seeing in his usually warm, friendly eyes, and they worry him all the more.

"Josh," his voice is soft, "can...can we talk?"

 

••••••

 

The drummer stares blankly, a bit surprised by the simple request that crashes his train of thought.

When Tyler tilts his head, he clears his throat, nearly slapping his face. He was so stupid.

"Of course, Ty," he sighs. He knows what this is about. 

They stand, and Tyler informs the girls and their mothers that they're only going to the forest beside the house on the other side of the road.

When they step outside, it's snowing lightly, the small snowflakes dancing and swirling with the gentle wind blowing through the air. 

They're silent as they walk side by side, crossing aforementioned road and beginning to enter the forest. The large pines are frosted with snow like cookies, the white a sharp contrast against the deep green.

They're deep in when Tyler finally speaks, the sounds of the cars driving on the roads long gone and only the smell of pines and warm wood scenting the frosty air.

"Josh, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to answer me truthfully," Tyler begins, still keeping their pace as he gently takes his friend's thin hand.

Josh nods quickly. He knows it's the least he owes Tyler.

"Are...are you..." Tyler pauses as he tries to find words, halting his friend in the process. He stares into the nothingness blankly, though his mind races as it tries to put his thoughts into words, something he was normally amazing at.

Josh stares at Tyler silently and lets him think, even though the pit in his stomach turns nervously and makes him feel sick. He doesn't know if its from the anticipation, the nervousness, or the fact that he knows exactly what Tyler's asking from just a look.

'He's going to try to find out what's wrong with you,' the voice whispers. 'But you can't let him know the truth, you know you can't. If he finds out, he'll be disgusted.'

But, but Tyler deals with voices too, Josh tries weakly, inhaling sharply in pain when he feels his brain being squeezed painfully.

'And you're supposed to be the strong one, aren't you?' the voice hisses. 'If you can't even be mentally fit, what reason does Tyler have to keep you around?'

That makes Josh weak at his knees, makes his head spin out of control like a car swerving on the road.

Tyler doesn't need him.

 

••••••

 

Tyler feels like an idiot.

He stands, quiet and trying to find a way to ask Josh if..if he's alright? Tyler doesn't know.

All he knows is that Josh is definitely different, in a bad way.

Just ask him straightforward, you dummy, he thinks, and he slaps his forehead with his palm when he realizes how stupid he's being, just standing there idle and silent. He might as well be one of the trees.

Tyler's eyes light up a bit as he turns to Josh, mouth opening to ask when Josh suddenly tilts violently.

Tyler can barely gasp before he's rushing forward and catching his friend before he falls to the ground. The panic increases when he sees Josh's dazed, half-open coffee eyes close.

"Josh!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope it wasn't too horrible... I'd really appreciate feedback in any form, kudos, reviews, etc.
> 
> I'll update tomorrow morning again so you won't have to wait to long! Stay tuned, and stay alive, frens! <3


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How far will Tyler go to believe Josh's lie? That he's...okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salutations, frens!
> 
> I just want to thank everyone for the really sweet and amazing support; I couldn't be writing a story for a better set of people!
> 
> With that being said, please enjoy this next chapter!

When he opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Tyler's blurry face (...I'm not even going to try to make an excuse) staring at him with wide, owl eyes, cellphone to his ear.

His stuttering voice sounds like rain when it falls to the pavement, dull and distant, slightly echoed in his ears.

"No--no--wait, yes, he's awake now..."

Josh feels light-headed still, and he rubs at his temples when he remembers that he forgot to have something to eat in the last 36 hours. How could he be so stupid? 

'As if anything else could be expected from you,' the last word sounds so sharp in his ears, mocking. 

Is it bad that he's used to hearing that voice right when he wakes? he wonders.

"No--I'm sorry, I think he's alright," a gentle hand brushes against his forehead.

Only when Josh looks up at Tyler again, he realizes that his best friend is looking down on him with his usual concerned and frightened eyes, his warm hand squeezing the life out of his own.

"Thank you, goodbye," he says hastily, ending the call and dropping his cellphone beside him. The words that are now a bit clearer and not so muddled come at Josh in an overwhelmingly fast rate, Tyler's shaky hands flitting over him.

"Josh, oh my g--Josh, are you okay? You fainted on me and I was so scared and--and--"

The drummer gulps and nods and he lets Tyler rant a little (it always seems to calm him a bit more than trying to talk him down), his hands moving over him and pressing against his forehead and his chest.

After a bit, Josh clears his throat, and speaks, a bit of a rough edge on his voice, "I'm okay, Ty. I'm sorry."

When he sits up (with Tyler's help), he leans a bit against his best friend, trying to keep down the bile that nearly rises when the world tilts again. Tyler pulls him close, an arm around his waist and the other still holding his hand. 

"Josh?" His voice is far away again as the red head's vision swims a little, the trees in the distance bending and making strange, scary shapes. "Joshie? Oh my gosh, you're not okay, oh my g--"

His voice is panicky and quick and Josh sees him pick up his cellphone again to probably call 911, but Josh is quick to stop him. 

He grabs his hand tightly with his thin one, holding it to his chest and drawing the phone out of his hand. The fear and anxiety in Tyler's eyes kill Josh.

If only I didn't mess everything up, he thinks.

"Ty, 'm okay--"

"No, Josh!" Tyler suddenly bursts, and it scares him. "You keep saying that but you're not and I--I--"

"I'm not lying," he interrupts quietly, and he doesn't know what's worse: the guilt that makes his stomach turn or the mistrust that's so clear in Tyler's eyes.

Please, I don't want to lose you, his mind screams.

"I'm not lying," he repeats and it tears his heart.

Tyler swallows tightly, staring at him with those questioning orbs of warm brown. 

He wants to trust Josh, he really does. 

If Josh were anything but okay, he'd never forgive himself.

"Why would you faint then?" 

"I forgot to..." Josh pauses.

'Tell him the truth, you pathetic bastard,' he hears. 'Tell him the truth and watch him drop you in a matter of milliseconds.'

He only realizes that he's staring blankly when Tyler tilts his head and opens his mouth to ask again.

"Forgot to eat today," he tries to save himself quickly.

"Just today?"

He knows, Josh thinks, panic making everything so much worse in his stomach and in his head. He knows, he knows, he knows--

"Well, I skipped dinner yesterday--"

"Why, Josh?" He sounds so disappointed and angry in Josh's ears and the fear takes over.

"I forgot to pack so I had to do it last night before the flight and I didn't have time to eat today because I had to drive to Columbus and here I am now and I'm pretty sure I'm just a little dehydrated that's why I fainted please don't be mad I'm so sorry Ty I'm so--"

His lungs are screaming for air when Tyler's comforting hand is pressed against his chest and he sucks in a short, stuttering breath as tears form in his eyes.

Please don't ask me anymore, he begs quietly. It's not that big of a deal. Please, please, please--

"It's okay, Josh, it's okay," Tyler pulls him close, arms wrapping around him tightly and protectively. Josh quietly hugs him back just as tightly, fighting the desire to just break down right there against his friend's warm chest. "I'm sorry I pried, please don't be upset."

Josh's cheeks burn when he realizes that he probably begged Tyler out loud. "I--I--"

"It's okay, Jish," he reassured him, pressing his cheek against his red hair. "I'm just worried, I'm so worried about you."

'He's lying. You know he's lying.'

Josh shakes his head a little and screws his eyes shut tight. 

He just wants to believe.

Just for a little.

'No one cares about you, and no one should.'

"Please stop," he whispers to the voice, too used to being alone to reply to the dangerous, poisonous whispers.

When Tyler's chest stop moving, he winces when he realizes that he's said it aloud. 

"Stop what?"

"Stop...worrying..?" He curses himself when his voice makes it sound like a question.

Trust him to screw the simplest of things up.

Tyler sighs, and he feels his slightly dry but warm lips press against his forehead. "Josh, I always worry about you."

A silent scream slips from his heart through a single pair of tears that streak down his cheeks. "You shouldn't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all very much for reading! I hope it wasn't too short... If you feel up to it, I'd really appreciate if you left some feedback! It really encourages me!
> 
> Again, much gratitude from my tiny, black heart! You all are the best! Stay alive! <333


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey frens! I hope you're having a good day/night!
> 
> Here's another installment, I hope you enjoy!

After that incident, Tyler insists Josh stays at his house in Columbus. He refuses at first, he doesn't want to impose on his best friend. But Tyler's adamant, saying he missed seeing Josh around all the time ("Even when you're annoying," he jokingly added, but it didn't feel or sound like a joke to Josh) and Jenna wasn't going to be around anyways, as she was staying with her family for the remainder of her un-married state.

Even though he's pretty sure Tyler just wants to keep an eye on him, Josh finally relents (it's not like he was exactly imposed to the entire idea at first) and here he is now, a few days before the wedding.

He can't sleep at night anymore. The voice screams at him, in the pitch black, when all other thoughts or worries of the day are stored away. 

'Go ahead, Joshie, fall asleep! I'll be waiting in your nightmares!' It shouts gleefully, a horrible cackle following the words. It scares him, a lot actually, (his anxiety doesn't help much) so he stays awake, sweating and shaking in his bed.

The rain that pours outside should sooth him, help him fall asleep like it used to. But now, he can't help but hear the loud patters on the rooftop, on the pavement, watch it slide down the windows in sad, slow, little droplets, and think it's helping him disappear, washing him away.

He gets out of bed and goes into the living room, sits on the couch quietly. Tyler's house is nice, he thinks. Spacious and open, his furniture small and adorably cute just like him. The walls are soft colors, pieces of simple art covering some of the basically empty spaces. The wood floor isn't too cold against his feet like it is in his own apartment with his tiles, so he likes it much better here.

He stares blankly at the TV in front of him, it's still on. Tyler was probably watching some movie earlier and forgot to turn it off before going to bed. He did that a lot.

What's playing in front of him is some cliche romance movie, but he barely focuses on what's happening, just tries to let the bright colors of the TV seep into him and saturate his soul with a little color of his own.

He's so preoccupied and busy trying to quiet down the voice that when he feels the couch shift, as if a weight was put onto it, he jumps and lets out a muffled shriek, grabbing a pillow to hit whatever monster decided to visit him. It only takes a quick moment before he realizes who it is.

His cheeks burn and he coughs at Tyler's wide, amused smile. 

Josh quietly puts down the pillow and looks down at his hands, embarrassment swallowing him whole even though he knows Tyler's seen him do much stupider things. 

"Can't sleep?" Tyler inquires, his voice breaking the complete silence of his quiet house in the dead of night.

Josh shakes his head, looking at him a little. Tyler looks a bit tired, his hair messed up and his smile a little strained. "You?"

"Insomnia, remember?"

"I'm sorry."

Tyler nods a little, looks at the TV. "But what are you doing up?" his voice is concerned. It always is now. "I don't exactly remember you having trouble sleeping."

Josh shrugs, quiet for a little. "It's a new thing," he finally settles on.

They sit and watch for a little, small little comments about how obvious the plot was or how cliche the characters were passing between them. Tyler makes a joke about the main "cool" obnoxious jock being the real hero ("Atleast his input on how stupid this whole thing is makes him more realistic than these other people!") and it makes Josh laugh.

A few minutes later and he forgets about the voice, it's drowned out by Tyler's. He can't even remember why they're awake, why its three in the morning and why they are already up.

As they continue with the horrible movie, it's not long before the rain outside grows heavier and louder. The two barely notice it, still poking fun at the stereotypical teenage characters, and they continue in their oblivious state until they can barely even hear the TV. 

That's when Tyler can see Josh beginning to grow more and more nervous as the sound of the rain drowns out his already soft voice, and his heart clenches with anticipation when the thunder begins rolling in and booming loudly over Columbus. 

Josh jumps (he'd never been...particularly fond of thunderstorms, as the loud sounds could often trigger a small panic attack) and its barely seconds before Tyler wraps an arm around his shoulders and one around his waist, pulling him against him.

"Hey, it's okay," he comforts the drummer, who's already shaking with fear in his arms, clutching onto him tightly as if he was afraid the rain would wash him away.

He was.

"You're okay, I got you," Tyler whispers, pulling them further onto the couch until they're lying side by side.

It takes a while of Tyler murmuring comforting words and stroking Josh's back lovingly, waiting for the trembling to stop, for his best friend to finally calm. He still jerks and shakes when a particularly loud clap of thunder sounds above them, and he still doesn't speak, clinging tightly to Tyler, but he doesn't seem to be so afraid.

Tyler hates seeing Josh like this, and he quietly wonders what Josh did to calm himself down when he was alone. He shakes his head of the thought when he finds that he doesn't like thinking about that. 

Tyler sighs and glances at his clock on the wall. "We should sleep," he says, a bit reluctant. "We have stuff to do tomorrow."

Josh deflates, and the thought of going to bed alone terrifies him, but he doesn't want to annoy Tyler by opposing, so he nods, about to get up when suddenly, the arms already encircling him grow tighter to stop him from leaving.

"Is this okay?" Somehow, Josh knows he's asking much more than just their position on the couch, with Josh's head against his chest, his body half-on, half-off of Tyler, the singer's heavy arms around him.

For once during a thunderstorm, despite the loud deafening rain and the claps in the sky that seem to stop his heart, he feels warm, safe.

"Yes," Josh answers quietly, and he shifts a little until he can put his hand beside his head on Tyler's chest, feeling the strong beats against his palm.

Strangely, it soothes him.

"I'll protect you," Tyler seems to whisper as he gently presses a kiss to his forehead.

For the first time in what feels like years, he finds peaceful, deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What?? I needed an excuse to give my poor baby Jish a break and squeeze some cute cuddles into there!
> 
> I hope you likey? Tell me if you do plzz?
> 
> Thank you for reading; another update will happen tomorrow morning! <3
> 
> Stay safe, and stay alive frens! |-/


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Morning/Afternoon/Night frens!
> 
> I hope you're having a good day! Here's another chap for y'all!
> 
> Thanks for reading (in advance)!

When Josh wakes up, it's still pretty dark, the thick, smoke-colored clouds still covering the sky and crying upon the earth. 

He's so warm, still cuddled into Tyler's side, with the brunet' arms still holding him together. The pattering of the rain continues to hit against the roof and the ground, just like when he first woke up, but now, he doesn't feel like he'll be carried away by the water.

He wants to shift, press himself against Tyler even more (the singer had constantly joked all the time, calling him an "aggressive cuddler" which, okay, to be fair, Josh was) to get more of the delicious warmness that keeps him so safe. He stops himself though, afraid he'd wake up his friend and annoy him (he knew how much Tyler needed sleep, especially with his wedding coming up so quickly), so he stays still.

Unexpected, soft lips press against his head and startle him. He looks up quickly, wide-eyed, to find his best friend staring at him with equally large if not larger eyes, both of them wide awake.

"I didn't--" they both say at the same time, and Josh clamps his mouth shut (Tyler, for the record, also does, in like manner), blushing furiously though he knows that it's happened before. 

Tyler's the first one to recover. "I'm sorry," he says (though he doesn't sound sorry at all), pulling an arm from under Josh and rubbing his neck sheepishly as he still flushes a little. "I thought you were...sleeping."

"Way to not sound like a creep," Josh jokes, nuzzling into the singer's chest when he laughs. 

It's beautiful, the sounds Tyler can make with just his voice. Even his sneezes are cute and beautifully adorable and--(woah, hold up there, fren) Josh has no idea what's wrong with him.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Josh inquires quietly, and he finally presses himself closer into his friend like he's wanted to do for so long.

"I was, just woke up a little ago..." Tyler trails off, the sound of the rain hitting harder against the surfaces drowning out his voice a little. "Gosh, I hope this rain stops soon. I don't think it'd be good for the wedding pictures if it was raining."

Josh nods in agreement (though he can't explain the little, twisted feeling in his heart when Tyler mentions the wedding). It's quiet for a little between them, a comfortable silence.

But like a good friend, Josh clears his throat when he realizes he had never asked Tyler anything about the wedding, his feelings, his hopes, his...anything.

'Hell, and I thought I was a bad friend,' the voice suddenly chimes in, and Josh frowns.

He ignores the cold feeling that flushes the warmth and the feeling of safety out of his chest, and he shifts, voice quiet when he asks.

"How do you feel?"

Tyler looks down at him, looking slightly confused. "About what?"

"Wedding," he mumbles and he doesn't meet Tyler's eyes. He can already see the way his eyes light up, the gleaming look of pure happiness on his face that Josh is sure he'll never wear.

"Excited," his voice is a bit shaky, suddenly nervous. "I--I've been waiting so long...you know.. I mean, three months isn't really long, but even before them, I've been dreaming."

Josh doesn't say anything, only nods. He's not jealous of Tyler, he knows he's not. So why does he feel so...down. It makes no sense.

"So, what've you been up to, Jish?"

The sudden turn in conversation snatches Josh's attention, and he meets Tyler's eyes (finally), letting a bit of a pause stretch between them.

You'd think he'd have two choices: tell Tyler what had really been going on during all those months of being completely and utterly solitary, or lie and blow off the fact that he'd definitely not been okay.

He doesn't have the luxury of those choices though. It's already clear to him that if Tyler found out how emotionally unstable he'd been, he'd either be quick to cut off their friendship (two maniacs in the same room was defiantly worse than one) or he'd worry.

Tyler doesn't deserve to worry about someone as small and unimportant as Josh, and Josh doesn't deserve the concern of someone so large and important as Tyler.

"I've been alright," he lies. "Just...hanging out around L.A. It's a nice place to be around without having to do anything."

Tyler smiles a little, and nods.

Josh can't understand why he feels a little saddened by the fact that his best friend couldn't see through his lie.

"What about you?"

"Oh, the usual. Hanging out with family, and Jenna too, of course. It's nice being back in Ohio again..."

They fall quiet again, listening to the rain and the silence. 

As they do, Josh begins to think again about the wedding.

He thinks of Jenna. Pretty, beautiful, sweet, smart Jenna, with her perfect smile and perfect blonde hair and perfect eyes.

No wonder she captivated the attention of his best friend so quickly, no wonder she's held it for so long. She's spotless, completely unstained by any blemish or imperfection, and she's absolutely and completely perfect for someone as amazing as Tyler.

It's hurts still. 

He almost wishes he could be that, be that perfect, amazing someone to his best friend. He wishes he could be enough to keep that one part of Tyler he never had that will soon be Jenna's in a few short days.

He feels wetness on his cheeks, and he wipes it away; he can't tell if it's sweat or tears.

Unfortunately, he's not slick enough to get past his best friend (who, in all honesty, had been watching him think) and Tyler's quick to poke him softly, concern laced in his voice.

"Joshie? You okay?"

"I love you." It's sudden, a blurt, even Josh doesn't realize what he just said until a few seconds later.

What does it mean? You tell Josh, because, at that moment, he's just as confused as you are. 

Tyler looks a bit startled at the sudden confession, of course, it wasn't exactly common for them to use that phrase (though they had used it a little bit in the past on very rare occasions), but he recovers quickly like he always does.

He simply smiles, pulls Josh closer to him and kisses his forehead again, a beat longer than normal, and Josh figures it's his way of saying it back.

He still wishes Tyler would say it though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to prolong them cuddles okay? It'll be a while until they cuddle again *heavy sigh*
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed, frens! Until next week!
> 
> Stay safe and stay alive! I wuv you all <333


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi frens! Here's another chapter! Hope you enjoy!

Saturday arrives quicker than any one can blink.

Jenna is stunning in her long, white dress, her trailing veil on her head accenting her beautiful face.

Tyler's so incredibly nervous and excited, Josh can tell. The way he seems to bounce while he waits for her to approach without really moving, the lights shining in his brown eyes that glimmer with excitement.

A priest speaks a few words, vows are exchanged with sure yet shaky words, and rings are slipped onto the one finger that shows claim over their hearts.

During the whole ceremony, a feeling disturbs Josh, deep inside. It thuds and pounds against his heart as if trying to break free or demanding to be heard, and it bothers him, so much that he wishes he could tear out his own heart if it'd make it stop.

He understands that Tyler had to pick his brother for best man instead of him, he really does. And besides, 'he wasn't worth it, to be anyone's best man,' not when there were already so many better people to be picked.

So what could be making him feel the way he is?

He can't shake himself of this strange feeling, this crack in his chest that seems to be getting bigger and bigger with each loving look that is exchanged between his best friend and his darling wife-to-be, with each sweet word passed between them.

A loving kiss ends the beautiful ceremony and everyone is either crying or jumping with joy by that time.

Josh cries too, and when he does, he tells himself it's out of happiness rather than the heartbreak that suddenly bursts and dulls his soul, stealing more light from his already faded eyes.

 

•••••••

 

Josh is walking through the crowds of people. He feels like he's floating, detached from the happiness and joy the others are obviously feeling. 

He walks with his head down, staring at the floor, avoiding everyone at all means. He's ashamed of the sadness that swirls in his soul; he should be happy and celebrating for his best friend, not acting like a depressed killjoy. 

He's walking by the dance floor, listening to the slow, melodic song playing, when, suddenly, a hand grips his thin arm, and he gasps, nearly tripping over his own feet but he's pulled back up, into someone's arms. He can't help but cling onto the person, barely dodging the other peoples' bodies on the nearly overcrowded dance floor.

He hears a soft laugh somehow over all the noise in his ears, and he knows who's holding him.

"This is crazy," Tyler's words contrast again the way he says it, soft and whispered. Josh almost can't hear it over the deep beat of the music playing, the loud chattering and laughing of family and friends. "This is so crazy."

Josh tries to smile, tries to match the slow pace of his dancing best friend, but he forgot how to dance a long time ago.

"Isn't it so weird?" Tyler questions, patiently leading his friend in the dance, arm around his waist and fingers laced in his own. "I never thought I'd get married, and here I am...for lack of better words."

"Yeah..." Josh nods. He follows Tyler's lead in silence, tries to match his footsteps to his best friend's. Tyler's surprisingly easy to follow, and soon, they're lost in the slow rhythm of the song, moving hand-in-hand.

"Shouldn't..umm, don't you want to--"

"She's dancing with her brother still," Tyler replies before he can finish the question, a soft smile on his face.

'And he'd pick someone as pathetic as you for a replacement?'

Josh looks down, and he can't deny the new dose of sadness that floods his blackening heart.

He barely feels Tyler's hand leave his waist, but he definitely feels it when his fingertips gently come to tilt his face back up, warm eyes looking at him.

"Josh, what's going on?"

'Lie, you idiot,' the voice seems to kick him. 

"Nothing."

"You haven't smiled today," Tyler notes absently, trying to sound casual when really all he's feeling is worried. "Except for the pictures," he adds quickly, "which...really don't count."

As if I have anything to smile about, Josh thinks, and it's a little bitter. 

'That's it, Joshie,' the voice encourages, but it's a bit quiet. He's noticed that it's gotten quieter the more and more Tyler was around. 'What do you have to smile about? Especially when you're making your so-called best friend pity-dance with you?'

"Josh?"

He simply shrugs and hides his face in Tyler's shoulder discreetly. The sudden embarrassment rolls over him and eats at his soul; he's ashamed for his best friend; what would his friends and family think, someone like him dancing with a loser like Josh?

He's suddenly aware of the pairs of eyes burning into him, his skull, his back. They feel heavy, judgmental, and he wants to disappear.

He's vaguely aware of his quickening breath, of Tyler's distant, echo-like calls of his name. 

It feels like he can't breathe, the small, strained gasps for breath making his chest even tighter.

Tyler stops them immediately when this begins happening, and his words and questions bleed together and fade like water spilled onto ink, and even his hands that shake his best friend are barely acknowledged or noticed.

The song ends quicker than Josh can hope, and he's quick to tear himself away from Tyler's hands, mumbles an excuse about needing to use the facilities and flees.

Tyler is completely ready to sprint after his best friend (he knows something is definitely amiss with Josh), but Jenna appears by his side again, laughing and twinkling with the stars in her eyes and so very happy.

She asks him to dance with her as another song begins filtering through the large room, and how can Tyler say no?

 

•••••••

 

Its not right to be crying on his best friend's wedding night. It's horribly selfish, especially if it's for the reasons Josh has.

He lies under the heavy covers of his bed, all lights out. It's deafeningly quiet in his hotel room, so suffocatingly lonely.

It's wrong to be wishing for someone to chase away the lonesomeness, he deserves it anyway. Especially for wishing it to be a certain someone who's no longer completely his anymore.

It's that thought that makes him choke on a sob, and he buries his face in his pillow.

No one calls him that night, but then again, he never expected any one to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave kudos or comments if you likey! 
> 
> Stay safe, and stay alive frens |-/  
> <333
> 
> The next update will be tomorrow! Stay on the lookout!


	11. Chapter Eleven

'You're a fucking coward and you know it.'

Josh nods quietly, subtly, as he walks through the airport, clammy hands clutching his suitcase. Had he gotten weaker, or had his suitcase gotten heavier? He can't tell.

All he knows is its the day after his best friend's wedding, and he's getting the hell out of Columbus as fast as he can.

It's all too much, these strange emotions, the voice in his head, the whole magical, happy atmosphere that seems to strangle Josh and paint him an even darker and more miserable shade of gray than before.

He's ruining everything, acting and failing so blatantly, dissolving in misery when he should be rejoicing. It's tiring to act. No one understands that better than himself.

He needs to get out as quick as he can; he can't risk being as broken as he is around Tyler.

Tyler.

His happy, beautiful, successful, perfect Tyler with his happy, pretty, amazingly perfect Jenna and their magical, happy relationship.

He can't poison that; he'd kill himself if he did.

It hurts just leaving flowers and a plain white card with the trembly-written "Congratulations" in the center on Tyler's porch, but it's necessary. That's what he tells himself to try to quell the tears running down his face.

 

••••••••

 

"...Joshua..."

It's a sigh, disappointed, maybe even a little upset.

It makes Josh flinch, and hurt in all the wrong ways.

"I'm sorry," he repeats weakly. "I just...you were going on your honeymoon the week later anyway, and I figured you wanna settle into the...newlywed phase first without any distractions."

"Well...yeah," Tyler agrees, but there's an annoyed edge in his voice. "But it's not like I couldn't hang out with you any time this week."

"I'm sorry." Josh tucks himself deeper into his bed, pulls the thick comforter over his thin body as if he's trying to hide from his best friend's disappointment. 

Another sigh. This time it's sad, almost nostalgic.

"I just miss you, Josh," he whispers, and his voice is so sad that it bleeds into Josh's own feelings. "I feel like...like we've been so far apart for such a long time and it's almost like..."

He pauses, and Josh is quiet, because it's not like he can say, "no, it's not true" because yes, yes it is.

"Well, I guess there's not much we can do about it now, huh?" Tyler's sounds a little bitter, and Josh's worlds of reality split apart as he hears the voice begin to echo his friend's words. "I guess we just have to leave each other where you did, confused and so fucking distant."

Josh's eyes widen when Tyler curses. That never happens.

"Tyler, I'm really sorry I didn't tell you I was flying back so soon--"

"The day after my wedding," Tyler seems to spit. "With only a bouquet of white roses and a simple card of congratulations laying on my balcony like they were from a fucking stranger."

Each word burns a hole in Josh's heart, and the worst part of it is that Josh believes he deserves it.

"For fuck's sake, I knew you weren't exactly overjoyed at the idea of me getting married, even though I have no idea why, but I didn't know you'd become such a..."

Josh hangs up before Tyler finishes. His heart hurts too much to listen to him, even though he knows which every ounce of himself that it's true.

He didn't want to leave his best friend so quickly, and he feels like the worst person alive to do such an unthinkable and horrible thing to someone he claims he loves, but he had to.

How could he be so close to his friend and keep lying that he was alright? How could he keep the mask of happiness on his face when he was really dying inside? 

His phone rings again, and Josh can already hear his voice.

'Stupid bastard.'

'Worthless.'

'Unlovable.'

'Fucking coward.'

Josh chokes on a sob as he throws his phone against the wall.

 

•••••••

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading! Feedback in any form is very appreciated!
> 
> Until next week! |-/


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! *violently throws confetti and streamers at you*

"Damn it, Josh!" Tyler shouts (at no one, really) when his fourth call goes unanswered. He hurls his phone across the bed, pulling his knees up and tucking them in his arms, resting his chin on one of his knees. 

Anger and hurt and confusion wash over him as his mind works a mile a second trying to understand.

He doesn't even realize he's tugging at his hair in frustration until gentle hands touch them, pulling them away before he does any real permanent damage. 

"Babe, what's wrong?" 

Jenna's voice is sweet, concerned, but Tyler just wants to be alone right now, feeling like he'll implode from all the explosive feelings in his stomach and his brain.

"Josh," he grits out when he realizes she won't be leaving any time soon. 

He sees her brow furrow, worry glistening in her cerulean eyes. "Why? Is he okay--"

"Fricking peachy," he spits, and he doesn't hear the pure venom in his voice until he hears it ring in his own ears.

He looks at Jenna, and instantly deflates and feels horrible, with the sad wonder and concern contorting her features.

It's the day after my wedding, he reminds himself. I have no right to act this way so soon.

"I'm sorry, Jen," he apologizes quietly, pulling her in his arms and holding her tightly.

He feels her thin arms wind around his waist and her warm breath against his shoulder when she murmurs, "Are you two fighting?"

The thought sickens him and he's quick to say, "No!" When he pauses, he frowns. "Yes? I mean...I don't know."

"What happened, sweetheart?" she asks when she pulls back to look at him, grabbing his hand and rubbing it lovingly.

He sighs, clutching it back. "I don't know...he just...he's been acting weird and sad and I've been kinda worried because he doesn't look very good.. It's like he's tired all the time and it's like he's getting thinner by the minute."

He pauses, and Jenna doesn't talk, waits for him to start again on his own time, which Tyler is grateful for.

"He left today already," he adds quietly.

"Already?" Jenna sounds a bit melancholy, disappointed (he knows she wanted to see him more too, as they both missed the red head), and Tyler sighs as he leans back against the bed's headboard. 

"I know. I'm...I'm really worried, Jenna." He swallows, and his throat suddenly feels like it's being closed by a tight rope. "What if there's something really wrong? What if he's hiding something from me?"

Jenna can't come up with something to say fast enough (she's still processing what her husband said) and silence is the last thing Tyler needs, as his mind suddenly kicks into full gear and begins racing again.

"What if--oh gosh--what if he's sick? Or what if he's...he's hurting or--or--" his eyes widen and he sits (bolts) straight up, grabbing onto his wife's shoulders and looking her in the eyes, terrified. "I just--I just yelled at him, Jenna! I fought with him and said he was horrible and--and--"

He chokes when he feels his eyes fill with tears, his soul full of fear and sorrow, his heart pounding like he ran a marathon. 

He's gulping for air before he knows it, hunched over and trying so hard not to cry as he thinks of how horrible of a friend he is, how Josh actually might be suffering right now and he made it a thousand times worse.

Hands grip his arm and shake him a little before her palm is placed flat on his chest.

"Hey, baby, it's okay," Jenna says calmly, lifting his face up with her fingers so he'd look at her. "Breathe with me, sweetheart."

It takes a while for Tyler to calm, but once he does, he simply stares at the wall blankly while shaking a little, trying to not think of all the bad things that could be happening to Josh.

Jenna's arms are wrapped around him, her thin nose pressed against his temple lovingly. "Ty, please don't worry about him.. It does sound like something's going on, but you've done your best to find out, right?"

"Well...yes, but--"

"He's always come to you for help in the past right?" She smiled a little when he nods reluctantly. "And anyways, you're his best friend. I'm sure he'll tell you when he's ready."

A bit of a silent, pregnant pause stretches between them, but finally, he sighs, nodding.

"I'll try to call him and if he doesn't answer, I'll get into contact with his brother, all right?"

Tyler nods, smiling a bit though it's more of a grimace. "I'm sorry for freaking out. You're right, Jenna."

"Aren't I always?" she jokes and the relief is immense when Tyler laughs.

 

•••••••

 

His cheeks are flushed, throat burning with alcohol, his world tilting and twirling a bit like a ballerina, even though he's sitting completely still.

How did he get here? he asks himself.

Or, more accurately, would ask himself, if he weren't stupidly drunk from only a few beers.

Yes, he's a bit of a lightweight, he'll admit it, but really, how much harm could only a few bottles do, right?

'Joshie...' The voice is singing, soft and lilt-y. He screws his eyes shut, immediately placing his hands over his face and pitifully curling up on his couch.

For a while, the alcohol kept away the voice, and Josh was semi-happy/grateful. But now, it only seems to be louder, as if it was speaking right into his ear.

'Oh come on, baby,' it coos, poisonous honey dripping from its words. 'Why do you hide? You know you can't.'

"Please, just leave me alone tonight," he begs quietly.

It'd been days since he's last heard from Tyler (from anyone, really) and now, he's completely alone, with no distractions or barriers between himself and the monster that lives in his head.

Or..does it live in his head?

That's what he begins asking himself when he feels heavy arms (no, not the comforting, secure type, more like the smothering, suffocating one) wrap tight around his waist, a cold body pressed behind him.

He cries out in fear, but a hand is quick to be placed over his mouth, and he freezes automatically.

His heart begins to pound wildly in his chest, and he's never felt more scared in his life than when the pale hands begin stroking his chest gently, the voice murmuring,

'Oh Joshie...my suffering, stupid boy...why do you scream?'

Josh just lies there, completely frozen in the monster's arms and mind racing so dizzyingly fast it feels like he'll pass out. 

'Don't you know?' 

The next whisper is sharp, full of contempt and disgust again.

'No one can hear you.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this surprise chap! Please tell me what you thought, any encouragement or constructive criticism is welcome!
> 
> Stay safe, and stay alive frens! |-/
> 
> (Please note that these future chapters will include graphic descriptions of self harm and all that. Please stop reading if you are triggered. <333)


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello frens! I'd like to say thank you for all the lovely comments in the past chapters; without a doubt, the clique is the best fandom to write fics for! 
> 
> I'd like to warn you that this is really the beginning of the extremely bad stuff, including self-harm (cutting). Please stop reading this if you are triggered! Stay alive my fren!

The waves crashing on the golden sand reflect the bright sun in its burning glory, the calls of the seagulls filling the air along with the loud roar of the ocean.

It's beautiful, the view from the balcony. The water is colored the same orange as the sun, the same pink-lavender of the skies, and it's completely and utterly breathtaking.

It's enough to steal every worry, every ounce of pain from just about everyone, as the ocean grabs and steals attention like no other thing.

So it makes no sense when Tyler can find that he can't think about anything other than Josh.

His stomach still flips and somersaults with guilt, the echo of his harsh words still clear in his ears.

Jenna can only do so much, with her pretty face and her soothing voice, her gentle, warm touches.

He's happy to finally be alone with her, really. He'd been looking forward to his honeymoon from the time he planned it. 

And yes, he's having fun (a great deal of it) being in Hawaii with her, but every so often, his mind strays, and he finds himself thinking about a certain red-headed boy. 

Tyler got the message when Josh wouldn't answer him; he just needs space, his mind tells him. So he lets Josh have it, no matter how bad he just wants to talk to him.

There's a certain time of day when he'll just be staring at Josh's number for the longest time, when his thumb will hover over the 'send' button on a rather lengthy and heartbroken apology (no, it's not desperate and no, it doesn't sound like a high school girl begging for her boyfriend back *cough*). But it doesn't matter, in the end, he always deletes the text and waits for Josh to reach out to him.

He's afraid to rush his friend into forgiving him, as he knows Josh would come to him when he was ready to talk to him about whatever it was that was eating him.

He'd be ready soon, right? 

Just gotta wait.

 

••••••••

 

Pitch blackness clouds his eyes.

His beautiful eyes.

They're glowing red and screaming murder.

His mouth is full of pointy teeth and his pretty lips are stained with blood. 

 

••••••

 

Josh wakes with a start, letting out a choked gasp.

He's learned not to scream anymore; he's learned to wake up from those nightmares before they really scar him; he's learned tell himself over and over that it's not Tyler.

No.

It can't be Tyler.

His body is pressed against the cold tiles, his limbs heavy and dead.

His head throbs painfully like no tomorrow, his mouth dry and throat parched.

It hurts to open his eyes and see the blinding morning light spilling in from the small window above the shower, and it hurts even more to heave himself up off the ground.

He manages somehow.

He leans against the wall, just breathing as his world tilts every now and then, and trying to ignore the urge to get sick.

He looks down at his hands to try to steady himself.

It only takes one look at his bloody hands.

And his heart stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please, if you have time, drop any form of feedback! I really really appreciate it!
> 
> I know this is short, so hopefully tomorrow's update will be longer! Keep an eye out for it! <3


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I hope you're having a nice day/night. Here's another chap for you all!
> 
> (Please heed the tags before reading!)

A week passes, and it's absolute radio silence between them.

They'd never been this distant, and Tyler finds himself hurting more and more every minute, an ounce of guilt and regret trailing down his throat with a slow, sickly trickle like cough syrup.

"Jenna?"

"Yeah, baby?"

A pause.

'He needs time,' his mind screams. 'Just give him time, for fucks sake.'

He wouldn't want me to talk to him anyway. Not after how I treated him. 

The thought leaves his throat dry and his eyes a bit watery.

"...Never mind."

 

••••••

 

Josh lies in his bed as he sobs.

He's drunk again, like he always seems to be nowadays.

Cold, thin, piano fingers card through his faded hair.

"Don't make me again, please," he begs, voice stuffy. "Please don't."

"Why not, Joshie?"

"I...I..." 

There's really no reason, only the screaming, muted voice in the back of his head that reminds him of Tyler, how upset he'd be if he did it again.

"I can't, please..."

"Joshie, baby, don't be difficult," it murmurs, and it's low and dangerous. 

"Please, he'll be upset--"

The same fingers that were gently soothing him are now clutching his chin tightly, the grip hard and cool against his warm skin.

It's scary to see him like this.

Its beautiful eyes that scream murder and glow the same color that drips down his arms when he gives in never fail to make him sick.

The pretty face and the pretty lips that are now contorted with anger and bitterness and stained with blood, hiding the pointy teeth that sink into his brain when he doesn't listen burn into the backs of his eyelids.

"Who?"

Josh is shaking, brown eyes wide.

It's bad enough hearing the voice all the time.

It's even worse seeing it.

He feels like he lost his own voice, his mouth opening and closing several times without any sound coming out.

It takes a while of those hard, red eyes staring into his soul when he finally remembers how to use his words.

"I just...I just meant...Ty-Tyler."

It stares at him for a long while, and Josh feels a weird sense of horror when the monsters eyes soften, its crooked smile that seems to be cut into its face growing.

"Tyler?" it repeats. "Tyler?"

Josh nods quickly.

The monster slides to sit closer to Josh, and the drummer sits up immediately, swaying a little from the alcohol and movements a little slower and more sluggish than normal. Despite this, he's quick to tuck himself into the farthest corner of his couch, heart beating out of his chest when it's smile grows wider, it's red teeth on full display as it crawls toward him.

He feels frozen as it moves closer and closer, the sick feeling almost erupting in his stomach when it sits on top of his thighs, putting its hands on either side of Josh's head and leaning down close to him.

It's breath smells like death, the cold radiating off of its pale skin.

"Who's Tyler, baby?"

Josh remains quiet, he can barely even breathe with the fear that suffocates his lungs and makes the air toxic. 

He wants nothing more than to shove the horrible thing off of him and run away, far away, where it'll never find him.

He can't though.

He knows he can't.

"I said," it's face is suddenly in his neck, bloody lips pressing against his skin and sending shivers up and down his spine. "Who's Tyler?"

"He's my friend," Josh squeaks, terrified out of his mind when he feels the cold teeth press against his neck gently.

"No he's not," it growls when it bites him, and he screams, the pain erupting in blossoms of knives and fire.

"Not anymore," it's says over his choked, bloody screams, pinning his wrists to the couch when he struggles. "Tyler hates you. He doesn't care about you anymore."

"That's not true!" he gurgles, trying to stifle his cry when it's pulls it's long teeth from his neck.

The red life that drips down its mouth isn't what makes Josh sick.

It's the smile, the words.

"He's replaced you, you worthless bitch," it chuckles, shaking its head while it licks its lips like talking to a child. "You know he replaced you with someone much better."

Jenna.

"I know," he chokes, tears clouding his vision.

It hurts to hear it out loud, even when he knows it's true, even when he's known it for so long.

He rubs his eyes, letting out a shaky sob, the pain in his neck all but forgotten with the gaping wound in his heart.

"Oh baby," the voice's tone is soothing, comforting now, all marks of bitterness and glee in Josh's torture all but gone.

A nose gently nuzzles his cheek and it reminds him so much of how Tyler used to do that and he sobs quietly, lets himself be gathered in arms he doesn't belong in.

His heart seeps and burns and curdles and clenches in pain, and Josh cries and cries until he feels sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think you all know how much your support means to me...life has been swirling down the drain, as of late, but you guys are always there to keep me from drowning. Thank you, from the bottom of my black little heart.
> 
> Hopefully, I'll see you next week. Stay safe frens |-/


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello frens...

His heart aches for days, the sickening pain lacerating his soul. He tortures himself over and over with the thought that he's been replaced, and even though he understands that it was inevitable for someone like him to eventually lose someone like Tyler, he still hurts.

It's not long before he snaps.

The monster simply lies by his side in that moment, holds him in its arms, reveling in his obvious pain as it stokes his cheek with its cool, cracked lips.

"Please," breaks the complete silence, save Josh's choking and sobs.

"Please what?" it inquires, though it knows fully well of what Josh wants.

"Just make it stop," Josh pleads, sick of the heartache, sick of feeling. "Please..."

He shuts his eyes again and tries to will another thought of Tyler being happier without him away, startling when something steely cold is pressed into his hand.

"Here, baby," it coos in a sick-lovey tone. "By all means, make it stop."

It only takes a moment to glimpse at the impending destruction.

And Josh takes the knife.

 

••••••

 

When morning comes, there's warm light spilling on his face, warmth surrounding him in the form of the heavy blankets.

It's still cold where Blurryface strokes his arm, and he still shivers.

He doesn't dare move. It--no, 'he,' the monster insists, always gets angry when he tries to distance himself.

He closes his eyes tightly, words only soft, sleepy mumbles. "I did it again."

"Yes, baby," he doesn't even try to hide the delightful triumph in his voice. "Yes, you did."

Josh longs to say that he wishes he hadn't, but that would be a blatant, ugly lie, so he remains silent.

When his eyes open, he's upset to see the red staining his white sheets in the form of bloody roses and apples, but he simply sighs, and closes his eyes again.

If you ask him why he sleeps the days away, he'd tell you he was practicing death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that was really short. But I couldn't write much because I just caught the plague :p I'm so sick right now it's not even funny it took an hour to edit this message seriously
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! The updates on Sat and Sunday will be longer <3 Stay alive frens


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello frens.
> 
> I know this is a little late, I'm sorry. I'm still not feeling very well so forgive me for any errors you may find and such. Please be warned this has some pretty graphic description of self harm. If that triggers you, please don't read! Thank you!

Tyler's scared.

That marks the fifth call that goes unanswered by his best friend. 

He knows Jenna said that Jordan promised to fly over to L.A. and check up on Josh when he had the chance, but Tyler feels like that's not cutting it. It's just not enough.

He's hiding in the bathroom of his hotel suite, away from Jenna's prying and worried eyes. He appreciates her trying to help, but no one knows Josh better than himself.

It's too long (it's been too long this whole time), and though Josh can be upset for a while, he never holds onto it for more than two weeks.

Josh is definitely not okay, and Tyler can't fathom how he didn't notice the gravity of whatever problem his best friend was dealing with until now. 

He presses 'call' on Josh's number again, rocking slightly back and forth as he listens to it ring.

He prays quietly for Josh to pick up, to at least let him now that he's okay and safe.

That's all he wants.

"Come on, Josh," he pleads quietly from the other side of the monotonous ringing. "Come on, please be okay."

His words fall on unhearing ears.

 

•••••••

 

'Just do it,' Blurry says quietly. 'Just a little deeper, darling.'

"It hurts." Josh swallows the lump in his throat as he draws letters into his thighs.

They're so fat and ugly and pale. The red that surrounds him makes him pretty. He remembers when Tyler told him how good he looked in red.

They sit in the quiet, the bath water rippling around Josh whenever he moves the knife. It's a while before it slips from his hand, and lands slowly to rest on his sliced up skin.

He leans his head back against the white wall, simply breathing and feeling the pain course through him. 

It's nice, he supposes. At least he doesn't have to think about more destructive things while his legs throb painfully in the water.

When familiar fingers begin carding through his hair, a cold breath against his cheek, he closes his eyes.

"Blurry?"

"Yes, lovely?"

Josh frowns a bit. He always does when the monster calls him pet names.

He guesses it's better than the names Blurry used to call him that he now carves into his thighs ('just in case you forget, sweetheart').

"Are..." he pauses, not knowing how to ask. Some things he says by accident offend Blurry and it's not long before teeth are sunk into his neck and his brain. "When..when did you leave Tyler?"

'What do you mean?' There's the edge. Josh tries to ignore it.

"You're Tyler's demon, aren't you?"

"Everyone has demons," Blurry says after a long while. Thankfully, the fingers that still stroke his scalp don't tighten into his hair. "We take what you love most and change them into your greatest fear."

Josh thinks about that for a while.

A long, quiet, crimson while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'll see you all tomorrow! Stay alive <33


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> Although you might be rushing to read this, please be warned, this chapter might be seriously triggering, so at any time in the chapter, feel free to stop okay? This story is important, but nothing is more important than you're safety, okay?

It was a mistake.

A stupid, careless one.

Why did Josh always say the wrong things at the wrong time?

'How could you say that, you retarded bitch?' Blurry screams at him, pulling his hair and biting into his neck.

Josh knows better than to fight, so he lies there, simply struggling weakly in pain, Blurry's bruising, tight hands pinning him to the bed as blood trickles down his neck.

"I'm sorry," Josh gurgles as blood blocks his throat. "I'm so sorry--"

"Sorry won't stop him," he hisses, pulling away and pressing his forehead painfully into Josh's as he forces him to look into his red eyes. "Now your stupid brother suspects something's wrong and he'll probably fucking fly over here."

Josh doesn't understand what's wrong. He misses Jordan. He wants to see his brother. A friendly face would be nice, for once.

Blurry simply breathes heavily for a minute, his frosty breath making Josh's eyes tear and dry up at the same time as he gasps for breath.

He tastes blood on his tongue for the first time as Blurry's once rage-filled scream drops into a quiet, angry whisper.

"You wouldn't want your poor little Jordan in here with me, would you?"

That makes Josh freeze, his heart beating with terror at the thought of his little brother in the same room as the monster that stares him in the face, his life dripping down his pale-white chin in crimson trails.

He whimpers, "No please--"

"Then do it." And there it is again, the blade that's shoved into his hand, pressed so tight against his palm that he begins to bleed already. "Finish it, you worthless bitch."

Blurry pulls away, hauls Josh to sit up in his bed by his shirt. Josh became too weak to move on his own days ago.

The drummer knows what he's asking of him, but something tugs at his conscience, begs him not to though he has every reason.

'You're hesitating,' the monster says dryly.

"No," Josh lies, flipping the knife in his hand so that he holds it right. He stares at it for a bit, only pulling up his shorts when he's urged to do so. 

He presses the tip into his thigh, just over another scar, and he pauses again.

'Come on, Joshie,' he's nudged violently. 'As if you weren't coming to this point already.'

Josh thinks about his mom, his dad. He can see their heartbroken faces, he can see his sisters' tears, and he can hear Jordan's sobs.

Tyler.

He can't see Tyler though, or at least, can't see him grieving. Tyler hates him already, that had been clear in the hundreds of unanswered phone calls he got.

('He's just trying to tell you how completely stupid and ugly you are. He just wants you to know how good his life is without you, how completely replaceable and worthless you are to him now.'

"I know," Josh always answers heartbrokenly, and he can't see the smile of triumph spread on Blurry's red lips.)

'Go ahead," Blurry murmurs, and suddenly he's gripping his wrist tight and helping him drag the tip of the steel into his thighs. 

The moment his hand falls away, they both watch as the red lines are drawn with the sharp marker in Josh's hand, over the raised, dark pink scars and the healing lines, ripping them open once again. 

It quickly becomes a mess, blood spilling out of the thin parallel lines and staining his already red sheets. 

It's only a few minutes of careful cuts that begin to become sloppy slits with each passing moments, although it feels like forever. 

Or is it forever?

He drops the knife when it begins to hurt too much, shaking as he thinks.

"It's better this way," Josh says quietly, and, no, he's not convincing himself. He already believes every word.

'I know, baby,' Blurry affirms as familiar arms wrap around his waist, pulling the weak drummer to lean back against his hard chest. He doesn't feel any heart beat pulse, he doesn't feel any love in his prison keeper, despite the lips that press against his head.

Each kiss is full of hate.

'Good job,' the monster murmurs, caressing his skinny arms for a moment. 'Now you've rid everyone of your sorry, worthless, little self.'

Josh nods in agreement. They sit in silence, the sun that was once shining only a few moments ago darkened and absent.

None of the lights are on, only the pale light of the moon spilling in and reflecting the liquid on Josh's legs and hands, showing the weeping angels above clearly of what he had done.

Suddenly, a thought pops in his head.

"Blurry?"

'Yes, Joshie?'

It takes a while for Josh to piece the sentence together, his mind sluggish and slow like it normally became when he cut. "I..what if...Tyler finds out?"

Blurry's quiet for a while, and Josh almost expects the fists to begin beating him again. Instead, there's a slow exhale. 

Blurry always does that when he has to deal with someone as stupid as him.

'...and?'

"What if he becomes..." Should he even chance hinting that Tyler might be sad? Should he even try to kid himself? Josh wonders who he'd be fooling.

A small foolish part of him hopes that his best friend would miss him though, even if he did really hate him. 

'You don't have to worry about him being sad,' Blurry says quietly. By now, Josh can only hear the truth in his lies, with his mind spinning and slowing like a top, with his heart beating slower and slower with every minute. 'No one will miss you, Joshie."

Josh can't help the tears that well in his eyes. "Not even my family?"

'How can they miss you if they don't even love you?'

The searing liquid spills over and paints trails down his cheeks. As tired as he may be, he just wants to scream.

I just want someone to remember me when I'm gone.

It's quiet for a while, and even though the cars outside make loud noises as they drive by, they all fade out with time. 

It's not long before Josh's eyes fall close.

"Blurry?"

"Yes, lovely?"

"I...if I leave, will...will Tyler be free? To--to be a better person with a better best friend?" It's so hard to say his name now.

The demon hums in agreement before cool fingers stroke his forehead again. "Yes, now sleep, baby boy."

Somehow, that comforts him, the thought of Tyler being happier and freer without someone like him to hold him back.

A weak smile touches his lips.

A beat of his heart.

A drop of blood.

And he's asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Just kidding. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry...I'm literally the worst human in existence right now. 
> 
> I'm really sorry...for this whole thing, in general. *sigh* Please, if anyone relates to Josh in any way, just find someone to talk to, okay? I know it might seem like you're alone, but you're not, because there are so many people going through what you're feeling (myself included) and no matter how many times you tell yourself everyone will be better off without you, know that every time you're wrong.
> 
> I care about you. Josh and Tyler care about you. We wouldn't be better off without you, in fact, we'll all be left with a you-shaped hole in our hearts.
> 
> It's not worth it, alright? So stay alive for me. |-/


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello frens. Forgive me for the late update-- I've just had a horrendous day and almost decided against updating, but that's not fair to any of you so here it is. Please enjoy.

His heart is pumping louder than he's ever heard, the beats like thuds of heavy weights dropping on the floor.

Ever since he got off the phone with his older brother, he knew something was wrong, especially with the way Josh's voice was weak and trembling. 

He'd gotten on the soonest flight to L.A. and was now rushing to a taxi, heart in his throat. 

Nothing could prepare him for the sight that met him when he finally got into his brother's house.

The smell of blood and the glaring crimson painting the room and the bed make his blood freeze and his heart drop through the floor.

"Dear God." 

 

•••••••

 

The first thing he hears are distant beeps, faint talking. Someone's crying, a woman, and someone's shouting.

His skin itches against cheap material, his throat and mouth feel like a desert. His eyelids are too heavy to even try opening, and his wrists feel like they're on fire.

Whatever's happening, it definitely doesn't feel or sound pleasant. 

So Josh lets himself fall asleep again.

 

••••••

 

He wakes up, eventually.

He sees his mother and father, sitting beside him clutching his hand tightly as they stare at him through barely held tears, a heartbroken smile on their faces.

"Momma?" he croaks, voice rough from disuse. "Dad?"

"Hi, honey," she chokes before pressing a kiss to his forehead. His father squeezes his hand tighter.

His sisters rush into the room not long after, sobbing as they all but gather him in their arms. He's startled, too bewildered to return their embrace as their tears press against his cheeks and their arms hold him tight. 

It's only a short while before Jordan appears, brown eyes full of the tears of a boy who nearly lost his brother to the sadness.

His siblings back off when Jordan approaches, they know how hard he's been taking the past day of Josh's unconsciousness.

"Joshua, you idiot," he mumbles, sitting on the side of the bed opposite of his parents. He immediately falls into his brother's arms when Josh hesitantly opens them with some difficulty (when did they turn into lead?) and clutches onto him tightly.

The happiness that came from seeing his baby brother safe immediately dissolves into sorrow when Jordan begins sobbing into his shoulder.

"Jordan, don't cry," Josh implores, fingers running through his brother's brown hair as he cries. "I did it for you."

Like that, Jordan shoots up, tearing himself away from Josh with wide, horrified eyes. 

The drummer misses the warmth when the familiar cold returns.

"What are you talking about?"

And that's when he breaks, the desire to simply be heard flooding over his 'rational' side that tells him to be silent. He begins telling them about how he began hearing a voice during the tour, how things progressively got worse until he eventually saw Blurry. He tells them of his threat to hurt Jordan, and how he could only save him by killing himself.

He pauses, he can't pay attention to the horrified stares of his family through the tears that fill his eyes.

"I...I also did it to..." he swallows. Strangely, it was easy to say the other things, well, easier than these arriving words. "Well...Tyler--"

Jordan bursts into tears again and he tackles Josh in a tight embrace again before he can finish.

As his family breaks down around him in their own little ways, he thinks.

He's never been more confused in his life.

Suddenly, a thought occurs to him.

They don't miss the way his voice breaks when he says his name. 

"Wait, does Tyler know?"

Eyes widen, looking startled and apologetic at the same time.

They look at each other, urging one another to break the news. A moment of awkward silence passes, and Ashley pipes up.

"Shoot, we forgot to call him," she pulls her phone out at lightning speed, and if Josh hadn't grabbed it from her, Tyler would've known in a few milliseconds.

"Wait, no!" 

Everyone looks at him, eyes even wider than before, if possible. They look so worried, and Josh feels a pang of guilt stir in him when he realizes that he is the cause of all of this.

When he speaks, his voice is dropped down to a lower tone, a sadder, slower one. "Umm..what I mean to say is... I wouldn't want to...worry him."

"Josh, are you crazy?" Jordan bursts, looking flushed and pale at the same time. Worry colors people strangely, he guess. "He's your best friend, he'd probably kill us if--"

"We--I can't just ruin his honeymoon!" Josh's hands flail uselessly, panic inflaring his upside down stomach when his dad pulls out his phone. "Dad, don't!" 

His dad sighs, looking a bit sternly yet concernedly at him. "Joshua, you'd be ruining his entire life if you keep this from him."

I've already ruined his entire life, he thinks sullenly. "I'm not keeping this from him, I just...I'll tell him when he gets back. I mean, he's coming back in a a few days now."

They're all silent, seemingly wondering if they should try to convince him to contact his friend or leave it alone. Jordan is the first one to break the ice.

"Okay, Josh, you just woke up. You need rest, and we have to get going. The hospital's visiting hours are gonna be over in five minutes."

Everyone nods, moves to either embrace him for one last time before they leave or kiss his forehead. 

"Just sleep, baby boy," his momma whispers against his temple, holding him tightly as she kisses his cheek repeatedly.

Any other grown man would've blushed and pushed their mothers away, but Josh welcomes the loving contact. It had been long since he got any.

When Jordan comes to sit beside him, the two of them the last ones left in the hospital room, he holds his older brother tightly.

Josh feels tears against his neck, where his brother's face is hidden, and he can't help but tear up himself when Jordan mumbles brokenly: "You know I love you? So much, Josh."

"I love you too," Josh whispers honestly, reluctantly letting him go when he pulls away. Jordan's lips press against his temple when he murmurs,

"Never put me through this again."

Josh crosses his heart, just to see his baby brother smile for a short, bittersweet moment.

The X he draws over his chest is an empty promise, just like life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the love and positivity. You all really are the best <3333
> 
> Until tomorrow, clique!


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello frens.
> 
> I just want to give a big thank you to everyone who left some sweet words of encouragement yesterday, to everyone who left their silent but not unappreciated support through kudos, and to everyone who just reads.
> 
> Trust me when I say you'll never know how much any of you mean to me.
> 
> With that being said, it's only fair that I tell you what happened yesterday. I attended a funeral for a relative in the morning which already put a bullet through my heart, and unfortunately, I relapsed back into my self harm after being clean for two months. Rest assured, I'm not giving up. Hopefully I can get my crap back together for you all, as I know that my actions can cause some to follow suit and think it's alright, when it's really not.
> 
> Please, I beg of you, if any of you are hurting yourselves or feeling suicidal, please just find someone to talk to and just please please stay alive. I love each and every one of you.

Tyler feels like he can't get on the plane fast enough.

He had fun. But it was over by the last few weeks. The dark circles under his eyes and the worry that seems permanent on his face prove that.

He had tried calling Jordan, but he wasn't picking up, and neither was Josh's mother.

Something was wrong, and although there was no doubt in Tyler's mind about that in the beginning, now he can't help but panic.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. I'm sure Josh is alright," Jenna tries to comfort him, holds his hand tightly in her perfectly manicured ones, and the horrid guilt that eats up his mind when he wishes it was Josh's hand instead makes him want to puke.

 

•••••••••

 

Weekly Therapy or getting sent to a mental facility?

Josh doesn't have much of a choice but to pick the former.

It's a couple of days later, and Josh is finally released from the hospital. His family is quick to bring him back to his childhood home, and he's grateful.

He hadn't heard the voice just yet, it was probably lying dormant somewhere in his brain. 

Or planning something.

He doesn't know what terrifies him more.

When he's finally in his bed, the soft, safe one he remembers, itchy blankets and non-recognizable hospital food far away, cold bathroom tiles and bloody sheets gone but not forgotten, he tries to focus on the popcorn ceiling of his childhood room. He used to make constellations of the small bumps when he was a child, to help distract him from thoughts of monsters hiding under his bed or in the closet.

If only he'd known they lived inside each and every one of us.

 

••••••••

 

The first thing Tyler does when he gets home is call Josh's sister. With Josh and his brother not answering his texts or calls, he decided his last best bet would probably be Ashley.

He sits in his bedroom, pacing nervously around said room as it rings.

On the fourth, the call is picked up.

"Hello?" she sounds a bit nervous, voice wavy, but Tyler can't tell over his own raging thoughts.

"Ashley!" he probably sounds a bit too excited, but he doesn't care. "Umm, hey. I just--"

He pauses, mind racing with so many questions and unsaid words.

"Umm...I...how's Josh?" he blurts hastily, squeezing his eyes together in irritation at himself. Smooth, Tyler.

There's silence.

"Ashley?"

"Sorry, I--" she sounds a bit startled, extremely tentative. "Well..he's..alright, I guess.."

They're both quiet again, Tyler waiting for her to elaborate as his stomach begins churning nervously.

"Umm..he's here, you know? I mean, in Columbus at our parents' house."

The thought of his best friend's closeness perks Tyler up. "Wait, really? Can I visit him?"

After another long, worrying pause, Ashley says a word of affirmation quietly, "Sure, Ty. Just umm, I'll be there...and talk to me before you go into his room alright?"

That makes Tyler's heart drop. 

"What? Why--?"

"Just do it please," she whispers before hanging up.

Tyler stares at his phone blankly for a few minutes.

But it only takes seconds before he's rushing out of the house. 

 

••••••

 

At first, Tyler laughs. His throat burns and his lungs gasp for air, eyes clouding with tears as he laughs uncontrollably and hysterically.

Because, no.

It couldn't be happening.

He wouldn't believe it was happening.

"Tyler?" Ashley's voice sounds a bit distant, echoey. "Ty, I'm sorry, he didn't want us to tell you."

"You're joking," he finally wheezes out, wiping a stray tear from his cold cheek with his wrist, hiding his eyes with his forearm. No, he doesn't feel on the verge of tears.

"I..." she pauses, sounding halted and a bit uncomfortable. "Well, I just thought you should know before...you know, you see him."

He hears her walk away, and he swallows the last of his dying laughter, swallows the ignored lump of worry down his throat and lets it sit in his stomach heavily like a rock. 

He sucks in an unsteady breath as he stares at the plain, white door, the thought of it separating him from his best friend just on the other side prompting him to step into Josh's room.

Josh sits by the window, legs crossed like the warm pretzels he used to love eating until he simply stopped, staring blankly at the brightly shining sun just outside, hanging in the sky.

He doesn't seem to notice Tyler's presence, continuing to keep his back to his best friend.

He coughs to make his presence known, startling a bit when Josh jumps and turns to look at him in the matter of milliseconds.

At first, Tyler can't speak, his eyes locked onto the rich coffee color of his best friend's. He's always been so beautiful, especially his eyes that were constantly filled with happiness and love.

Though now, they seem a bit empty, scared, untrusting.

It unnerves Tyler to no end, and that's what gets him talking, tearing his gaze from Josh's so he could gather his words again.

"Josh, I--" 

He swears he hears his heart stop beating when he sees bandaged wrists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. The last two chapters, I believe, will be uploaded on my regular days, unless there's some change.
> 
> Stay alive, frens |-/


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my lovely skeleton family <333 I hope you all enjoy.

"Josh?"

Tyler's voice is full of fear, disbelief, and the drummer wants nothing more than to run away and hide.

He's sure that whatever hate Tyler had in his heart was nothing compared to whatever he felt towards Josh now, seeing him so weak and vulnerable.

Tyler's mouth hangs open, the horror in his eyes only growing by the minute.

His name falls out of the singer's mouth wavery, if not slightly strained as he marches towards his friend with purpose blazing in his brown eyes.

If only Tyler wasn't caught up in his own fear to notice the way Josh curled in on himself more, the way his breathing grew shallow and quick, heart pounding with panic.

He tries to calm himself, tell himself it's only his best friend, but the anger that becomes visible in Tyler only increases with each passing moment, making Josh feel like he'll puke or pass out.

He doesn't know that the anger of his best friend is only reserved for Tyler himself, the hatred only aimed at his own oblivious, ignorant stupidity.

Tyler has no one but himself to blame for the marks that undoubtedly hide underneath the bandages just above the slitted skin of Josh's wrists, his too-thin thighs.

He kneels in front of the frightened boy, too emotional to realize that it's not only his feelings that are raging and battling to win dominance over one another.

He takes Josh by his elbows and pulls him arms out towards him, trying to stare at the white bandages through the misty blur of tears and comprehend what exactly they mean.

Ignorance, failure, foolishness. All on Tyler's behalf.

"What have you done?" Tyler inquires, words like the very stars falling from the heavens, a heavy death sentence, an invitation for the most certainly unwelcome. 

And just like that, Josh crumbles like the final pillars of his steadiness, letting out gravely sobs as he presses the heels of his palms into his eyes as he desperately wishes to stop feeling.

He's never been more sick of being human.

"What have you done, angel?" Tyler asks again, though his own sob is attached at the end like a soft kiss of farewell, and though Josh is finally pulled into arms he belongs in, there is no trumpet sounding off in victory or joyous cries of the thankful.

If only life didn't fall this way, then perhaps the two weeping angels lying in a place they didn't belong in would be very much different.

 

••••••

 

There are a couple of knocks on the door before it opens softly, just the smallest and just enough so that someone could squeeze through if they wanted.

Jordan peeks his head in, worry gnawing the lining of his stomach when he sees Tyler sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard, Josh settled between his legs and lying against his chest, asleep.

At first glance, Jordan thinks Tyler is asleep, but taking a closer look, he sees tears track down his face in slow but steady drops, his face exposing his vulnerable state through the apparent pain on his face.

No one with that much suffering on his face could be asleep, Jordan learned that from watching over Josh in his hospital bed.

He quietly sneaks into the room, foot steps light and barely making a sound. It isn't long before he's kneeling beside the bed, quietly placing his hand on Tyler's shoulder.

He doesn't jerk in surprise like he had expected but instead opens his eyes, simply staring at the plain wall opposite of him.

Out of all of his features that scream misery, his brown eyes scare Jordan the most. A bloodshed of a thousand unspoken wars and the screams of mothers who find their children slaughtered and lying dead on the bloody floors hold no candle to the emotion raging in his eyes.

"Tyler," Jordan whispers, swallowing hard when his friend turns his head slowly like he was pained to move. 

When their gaze finally lock onto one another, Jordan can't explain the sudden grip that tightens around his heart painfully when Tyler looks at him. 

He looks years younger, open, susceptible to any harm that could come his way. 

It hurts to see Tyler like this; as he'd always seen him as an older brother.

"Ty, you okay?" he rubs his shoulder gently.

It takes a short moment, but Tyler answers with a short shake of his head as if speaking would make him burst into tears again.

Jordan's gaze drops with Tyler's to look at the sleeping face of Josh. His face is half-hidden against the brunet's chest, eyes still red from crying for so long. 

When he looks back up at Tyler, that's when he sees it.

The unmistakeable look of guilt, of self-hatred.

"Tyler," Jordan whispers, using his fingertips for a quick moment to tilt his face back up to look at him. "Tyler, you know it's not your fault."

"But it is," he finally croaks, voice quiet and broken. Tears flood his eyes again. "This is all my fault."

Jordan opens his mouth to correct him, but Tyler's floodgates suddenly open, and he's talking a mile a minute as tears begin pouring in steady torrents down his pale, horrified face.

"I ignored him, I denied that there was something really wrong with him even though I could see he was getting paler and thinner and fading more and more. I didn't pay attention to how he felt, with Christmas and my wedding, then after that, when he called me after he left the next day, dear God, I was so mad at him. I didn't hate him like he probably thinks I did, but I hated the fact that we were so far apart, that it seemed like I was--" he chokes here, a hand flying to his mouth to muffle it, "I was losing him. I felt like I was losing my best friend and I didn't know what to do or how to handle it so I got angry. My gosh, I got so angry and I yelled at him and called him horrible things that I never meant."

Tyler begins shaking, words a mess as they run together and are distorted with his sobs.

"Then I didn't call him. I made the mistake of waiting for him to come to me instead of the other way around. I--I don't know what happened between then but Jordan, I was so...I was so upset with myself and I hate myself for not reaching out to him before--before--"

Jordan immediately stands up and pulls Tyler into a hug, heart breaking over and over as Tyler began sobbing quietly. 

"It's okay, Ty, it's okay," he soothes, his own tears blurring his vision as he holds his friend and hopes Josh won't wake.

"This is all of my fault," Tyler cries brokenly over and over, as if it was his mantra. 

"We're all at fault, okay?" Jordan pulls away so he can look into Tyler's eyes, trying to reassure him though he knew it wouldn't have that much of a heavy effect. "We all made mistakes that eventually let Josh...fall like this... But the important thing is that we're here now, right? God's given us another chance to fix things with him."

Tyler stares blankly at him, and for a moment, Jordan thinks his words had been in vain and simply fell through his ears, but then he nods with a little sniff, looking back down at Josh who barely stirs.

He can tell when someone doesn't want to speak anymore, so he's respectful, knowing Tyler needs time to think over his words a little more clearly.

"Just rest, okay?" Jordan puts his hand on his shoulder again comfortingly, smiling a little when he nods. "If you're hungry, there's food downstairs. And don't even think about leaving tonight."

"Alright," Tyler still sounds broken, but the thing that soothes Jordan is the faint hopeful undertone in his voice. "Thank you."

Jordan nods, taking one last glance at his brother before bending down and pressing a lingering kiss to his warm cheek.

Then he's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conversation and final chapter we all need is hopefully coming tomorrow. Thank you so much for staying for this turmulous ride and for making it until now.
> 
> Please stay alive for me. It might not seem worth it but I promise you, you'll find your worth soon enough <333


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After going on for a month or two, this story has finally come to an end. 
> 
> I'd just like to give the largest and warmest hug and thank you to everyone who's ever read this, who left kudos, and especially those who left reviews. Please know just how much of an impact they've had on me, and I'm so grateful and honored to be writing something for such an amazing and beautiful family.

Tyler dreams of distorted, dark murky colors and glowing eyes that scream in the dead of the night. He's terrified of the screeches of pain and the manic laughs that ring in his ears, as he rocks back and forth in the dark corner of an old, dusty, forgotten room. 

He'd pay any price just to wake up.

And when he gets his wish, he realizes, in hindsight, that it probably would've been better for him to just continue suffering in the dream world.

If only it meant that Josh wouldn't have to.

He wakes up to quiet, panicky sobs and the bed shaking as if there was an earthquake, and his heart breaks when he sees Josh lying beside and turned away from him, the blankets barely covering his body that seems drenched in sweat.

"Hey, hey, Joshie," he whispers, lying a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Instead of comforting him like he had hoped the small gesture would do, Josh's erratic breathing grows worse and he gives out a frightened yelp as Tyler sits up and shakes the bed just the slightest.

"Josh, hey, come on," he murmurs, swallowing back a lump in his throat that had formed. He hates seeing his best friend this way.

He pulls Josh into his lap and holds him tightly in his arms, despite his half-hearted attempts to push him away.

Out of his feverish whispers, Tyler could only hear the words, "Stop," and his pleas to not make him "do it again."

Those alarm Tyler, and despite wanting nothing more than to shake Josh and demand that he explain, his other side bids him to simply comfort and sooth his best friend.

"It's okay, you're okay," he murmurs, feeling useless and completely horrible as Josh finally gives up and simply tenses in his arms, starting to sob.

"It's okay, it's me, Ty," he tries, feeling a small part of him cheer when Josh suddenly quiets. "I'm here now, it's alright."

Tyler feels Josh lift his face only a few inches at a time, reluctantly leaving his chest to look at him through wary, red-rimmed eyes.

A moment of clarity seems to sparkle in his eyes for only just a moment, and he's sobbing again, pressing his face against Tyler's shoulder and, instead of pushing him away this time, clinging on to him tightly.

He mumbles Tyler's name over and over, as if he can't believe he's here, as if he won't let himself believe he's here, and Tyler's not sure which one breaks his heart more.

"Shh, it's okay, angel," he strokes his back, though hesitantly, as he doesn't want to risk making his best friend upset by anything.

He feels Josh's spine poking out more than normal and he almost gets sick when he feels the sharp ribs pressing into his own.

Tyler waits until Josh's sobs die down before he loosens his hold on Josh, until he stops shaking as if he was naked in negative temperatures.

When he tries to put some distance between them so he can finally look into those brown eyes he finds himself missing so much, Josh clutches onto him tighter, and that's Tyler's final attempt to push him away.

"I...I thought you were a dream..." Josh finally whispers, voice cracking and dry as if he hadn't spoken in years. "I thought you weren't really here and when I woke up, I was...alone. Again."

The way his voice breaks on the last word is enough to flood Tyler's eyes with tears but he bites his lip as he hard as he can, determined not to cry. He doesn't deserve to.

"Never, Josh," he whispers. "I'll never leave you alone again."

"But you hate me," is what reminds Tyler of how many things they had to talk over, of how many spider webs and dusty walls they had to break through to find each other again. 

"Josh," Tyler says quietly, reclining a bit against the headboard to make Josh more comfortable. He falls in turn with him, face still pressed in his neck and teary breath still blowing against his skin in soft, barely presents huffs. "Let's start at the beginning, okay?"

He feels Josh nod, and he smiles despite himself.

Josh's voice is hesitant, pausing, tremulous, when he begins.

"I began hearing...things during tour last year."

Tyler feels his heart drop.

"It kept saying how I was stupid and useless...and I always knew that but I guess I never really thought of it." Josh's voice doesn't even sound heartbroken, just like he was stating an obvious fact like that the sky was blue or water was wet. That's what hits Tyler the hardest.

After that, Josh's voice becomes broken again, halting. "Then during your wedding...I--I don't think I experienced anything more...painful."

"Josh--" Tyler whispers, tears burning in his eyes but Josh continues as if he couldn't hear him.

"I...I had these weird feelings. I can't even explain them but--" he inhales sharply. "But I felt like I was...was being replaced."

The way he gasps after that sentence and holds his breath to keep himself from bursting into tears again spurs Tyler to pull him tighter against him if that was even possible.

"You know that's not true," Tyler says softly, heart aching when Josh shakes his head. 

"Don't just say that to make me feel better," he whispers. "I know it's true."

"Josh," is all Tyler says and all he can say, with the burning and the whirlwind of emotions in his heart. 

"And that's why I left so soon. It...it hurt too much and I didn't-I-" Josh finally breaks, sobbing in Tyler's shoulder as the latter holds him tight, kisses his forehead again and again, his own tears slipping down his cheeks.

When Tyler says his name, Josh cries harder, and it feels like Tyler's heart is getting ripped out of his chest.

No, it wasn't even happening quickly like you'd imagine. It was a slow, increasing pain, unmerciful and unsympathetic.

"Baby boy, don't cry," the singer hums softly to try to lessen his friend's hurt with a soft tune that's familiar to both of them, though he couldn't exactly remember the words or the name of it. 

"I'm sorry," Josh blubbers, finally pulling away (Tyler frowns and tries to fight the urge to tug Josh back into his arms again) and pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. "I'm such a mess, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry, angel," Tyler shakes his head, putting a gentle hand on his back as he knows Josh needs space now. 

Or at least he thought he knew until he was proven wrong by Josh's body crushing back against him suddenly again, hands clinging on to his shirt tightly. 

"Ty," is all he whimpers as he silently begs to be held again.

He's all too eager to wrap his best friend in his arms again, pressing his forehead against Josh's long, faded curls. They're quiet for a long while, Tyler staring at the pale strands in the milky moonlight as Josh silently sniffles and hiccups.

When Tyler's ready, he finally talks. "Josh, I want to start with the beginning, okay?"

He can see the confusion on the drummer's face, but then he nods as if he has no other choice.

"You aren't stupid or worthless, okay?" When Josh opens his mouth to no doubt disagree, Tyler puts his hand over his mouth, shaking his head. "No, Joshie, I need you to listen, okay?"

He sees those brown eyes well up with tears and he tears his hand away, apologies ready to spill profusely from his lips before Josh nods and lets out a soft, "Okay."

He sighs in relief. "Whatever the voice told you? Just forget it. They're all lies."

"But Ty--"

"No, Josh." This time he resists the urge to cover his mouth but he's quick to cut him off. "Whatever's been going on has been for a long while, obviously. It's tricked you into believing what it says...trust me, I know."

The remembrance of Tyler's past with fighting voices and depression dawns in Josh's eyes.

"You know I've dealt with it," Tyler seems to echo his thoughts. "You know you've helped me through it."

There's a pause but Josh nods.

"Now, second thing..." Tyler sighs, knowing this one will be difficult. "You know I haven't replaced you with Jenna."

"Tyler--" Josh croaks, looking down, the tears in his eyes overflowing and piercing the singer's heart with each droplet.

"Baby, listen to me," the affectionate name he so very rarely used slips out easily like the streaks painting Josh's cheeks, and Tyler grips his chin ever so gently, forcing him to make eye contact with him. "I haven't replaced you with her, or anyone for that matter, and I never will."

"You can't say that truthfully," Josh mumbles, biting his lip to keep himself from sobbing and shutting his eyes tight. Tyler knows the drummer wants nothing more than to bury his face in his chest and hide, but Tyler won't allow it. He needs to know Josh understands.

"I can say it truthfully, and do you know why?" He waits for Josh to shake his head the smallest bit. "Because you are the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful persons on this planet, not to mention one of my very special favorites."

Josh doesn't know if it's the words or the tone of complete honesty in his words that makes him break again, but he does, and his heart beats in relief when Tyler lets him bury his face in his chest again. 

He's so ashamed to be so broken, but those are the words he's needed to hear for so long; the feeling of being needed and wanted dare to blossom in his heart hopefully, and nothing's hurt and comforted him more.

"You're my best friend, baby," Tyler whispers in his ear, holding him so tight and perfect. "You know how much I love you, alright?"

"But you love Jenna now," he grits out tearily.

"Well...yes..." Tyler pauses, and Josh feels his stomach begin to sink as he remains quiet for a while. "But here's the thing, alright? And, please, be a good Jishwa for me and listen?"

Josh lets put a little, "m'kay," settling against Tyler's chest more comfortably as he tried to control his cries back down into soft hiccups again.

"Jenna, she's my partner now, right? She's my extension, she makes me a better person.."

Josh can't help the selfish liquid that wells up in his eyes as he wishes he could still be that for his friend.

"But you..." The amount of emotion in that single word somehow makes Josh look up at his friend, to find him staring at him tearily, the stars in his eyes and the Galaxy painting his face in beautiful lights. "You're a part of me. You've been with me for so long. You probably know more about me than my own family or even Jenna does."

Tyler's warm, calloused hands that make enchanting, beautiful sounds on the piano come up to cup his cheeks, and Josh suddenly feels like he can't breathe.

Because that's when Tyler is looking at him.

Like he's the only person in the world.

Like he loves Josh with all of his heart and more.

"You're not an extension of me, or even a partner. Because you...you make me...able to be me."

Tyler's looks down, scoffing a little. "I--I can't explain it very well, Joshie...but you're what makes it possible for Jenna to make me a better person. You..."

When he looks at him again, the tears threaten to spill over. "You make me a whole...Josh, without you, I've lost my favorite part of myself and that's why I was so angry when you had left after the wedding. I felt like we were being pulled apart by time and I couldn't let it happen because I just can't lose you."

The fresh, scalding tears begin tracking down his cheeks. "But then I almost did...and without even knowing."

The guilt that appears on his pretty face makes Tyler almost regret his words.

"It was the only way," Josh's trembling voice says. "It was the only way."

"I know you feel like that, but it's never the only way," Tyler hushes him gently, wrapping his arm around Josh's shoulders and taking his hands in one of his own.

Josh's eyes sparkle like wet diamonds when he looks at him, and it's only a moment before Tyler mumbles a soft, "Come here," before dragging the drummer closer and pressing his lips against dry, split ones.

It's an innocent, quiet pause of time, with nothing but silence in the air and love in the form of their lips connecting. They hold their breaths, both scared to end the moment in the light of the pale moon, but like everything good, it comes to an end when Josh hesitantly pulls away.

He stares at Tyler with wide, teary eyes and whispers, "I'd die a thousand times just to give you a chance to have a life without someone like me. I'd suffer a million tortures just to give you a chance to be happier."

Tyler's sure his heart half breaks with anguish and love as he presses his forehead against Josh's, closing his eyes. "And how much would you go through to fulfill my wish of having you by my side...forever?"

It takes a moment, but when Josh whispers, "Anything," Tyler somehow knows they'll make it through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> For real, this time. Unfortunately.
> 
> But this story is the only thing that ends today, because the rest of us go on and carry on with life. Just remember that I love you and I'm rooting for you when things get hard, okay?
> 
> Oh... And please, frens, stay alive |-/


End file.
